As per previous blogs, I intend to cover numerous topics across a series of posts rather than drown people with too much info in one go, but I genuinely appreciate the feedback I've received re my Mental Health blog (31 Jan 2013) that it was a little light on, a little vague if not actually flippant.
As per this blog's title, I intend to engage in deeply personal and/or controversial issues with at least attempts at humour, usually at my expense; self-depracating to the point of self-defacating. (haha)
(following feedback of request to explain- refers to an 'Australian-ism'; ie, it means to laugh at
oneself so hard one soils oneself - NF )
And so, an old joke: It is often a fine line between committed and should be.
There is nothing especially spectacular about my various life issues, traumas, 'psychosis' (for lack of a better word), or behaviours, etc, other than the intensity with which I experience them, and to paraphrase one 'social worker' (June 2006) that 'one person could have so many life changing issues happening at the same time and still function at all'.
To start at the start; my parents divorced when I was very small, basically at the vanguard of the 'divorce generation' (late 60s).
It is well documented that some children can and will blame themselves for a situation that they do not understand and I was one of those children; I grew up blaming myself for my parents divorce, and by the time I realised that (mid 20s) I was whom I still am.
Nothing particularly unusual, nor is there anyone particularly to blame, and I certainly don't; in the words of the philosopher; "Ain't nothin' but a thang." (It is not anything but a thing)
The fundamental dominant influence of my life has been (still is) a total absence of self esteem; not poor or low or whatever...none; a profound depression that is not something I can remove myself from because it is my entire childhood and ultimately whom I am.
It was my reality that life, girlfriends, career, success, etc, was something that would happen for other people who were decent and worthy; unlike me.
It is not just an issue of self-loathing, or self doubt, or lack of confidence, etc, it is a fundamental belief that I was not a good person and would therefore not be having any of those things that decent people have.
In early primary school I was the only child with divorced parents, and it re-enforced that belief that I was to blame because I was not that 'decent person'; and that self-blame became permanent.
I grew up adjacent to life as I understood it to exist for others, and remain an intensely shy and introverted person, gentle to the very edge of cowardice; I have literally never raised my hand to anyone in my life.
People whom have met me may suggest that this 'shyness' claim is nonsense, but bouts of brutish vanity and arrogance must not be mistaken for any level of self-esteem.
I do not have a dial for levels of commitment, not even one that goes all the way to 11, just a switch; on or off; no median; no moderation; I've spent the vast majority of my life just wandering around un-motivated and un-caring, literally looking at the ground in front of me, unable to commit to anything or anyone, and it's cost me every relationship I've ever cared about.
Its not bi-polar, but a natural contrast that when I do go, I go very, very large. (well, used to go)
Somewhere during my first ever relationship (at 19) I decided that I was actually a very attractive man, and proceeded to engage in a decade long, drug-fuelled, ego manic rampage. (you know that there is some future bloggings there)
Deeply concerned with my own behaviour, by about 25 I had self-realised my problems and their foundations, and resolved to not have relationships; I just hurt people I genuinely cared about.
Purely by luck, I became a father at 27, and 'it' is unquestionably that which allowed me to learn genuine commitment beyond self; I know it sounds a bit prattish but there you go.
Fatherhood is the only relationship that I have successfully committed to, and that has inevitably flowed into the St Martins Child Abuse Issue.
Similarly, focus and direction driven and fueled by anger, eg, my commitment to the Child Abuse issue, should not be confused with self-esteem.
This piece is a very broad summary of one persons (my) experience, in part to explain why I behave the way I do, but also to underpin my position that my commitment to my 'social agenda' and subsequent political activism is real and absolute; I have committed.
However, this blog is not in any way professional advice.
If anything that is covered in any of my blogs touches on personally sensitive issues for you contact a professional or other, eg, Lifeline; it is not weak to ask for help, and keep asking until you get it.
There are people in our community who can and will help, just obviously nowhere near enough of them, and that is something that I will continue to address.
Tomorrow: P and F III - Mount Gambier City Council
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