Howdy dear availees in the USofA, France, Brazil, and Turkey y'all and welcome to a rather long and disjointed post I found lurking deep in the bowels of the Draft Section of this 'ere blog...it is self-evidently from some time in late 2014-early 2015...upon review, I vaguely remember writing this but with no particular view to ever posting it, rather, it was more of a cathartic outpouring...(like when people talk about writing stuff in a letter but never actually sending it 'cos it helps to literally get that shizzle outa' ya' head?-Ed)...yeah, exactly like that...however, having read it through and being reminded of my personal 'mental state', etc, at that time, I reckon there's something positive here to add to the general discourse about Mental Health...(and it seems a shame to waste all that effort and just let it rot in Drafts-Ed)...yeah, a bit I s'pose, but mostly it's about explaining where I've been and where I am now by comparison...(if not explaining where you're headed-Ed)...well quite...and so away we go, back into the past-ast-ast-ast...***
It is entirely true the troubles I've been repeatedly apologising for over recent months on the blog, not least of all the bloody tech problems, but I've been struggling with the same problem for a few years now, lets make it 4 just for argument sake, namely, struggling with the flight side of fight or flight...absolutely fundamental human reactions to threat, danger, fear, and even anger, blah, blah, blah...the whole time I've been doing this blog, nearly 2 years now, there's really only one thing, sorry person, that has kept me here, sorry, given me cause to stay in Mt Gambier...
Apart from that it's been one long grinding battle to get past the daily burning desire to chuck it all in for warmer climes...that or cooler ones...whatevs, no idea where, just climes other...it was with wry humour I viewed the 'Comment' back last year that was the question 'why do you stay?'...and part of the answer was/is that sense of...('don't give the bastards the satisfaction'?-Ed)...correct...(and the second majoritive persuasion being your relationship with your child-Ed)...well majoritive would indicate that makes it the first thing, and then I'd have daylight second, purely for dramatic effect, but then third, yes, no satisfaction for bastards...
So it came to pass...(testify!-Ed)...the gathering stress of recent months crested effervescently late last week and I resigned myself to deciding to leave sometime kinda' soon...call it a massive breakdown, call it a wipeout, call it whatever you like...(call it crest-fallen-Ed)...nice...but for several days I sat with that decision before telling anyone...and before y'all bastards start poppin' corks and dancin' on the tables, how unfortunate pour vous that I'm so lucky that I had someone say something simple in questioning my decision and that got me thinking, and in an instant the reality that there are others whom rely on me being here and so it is...
(It ain't nuthin' but The Thang-Ed)...indeed, Ed, it ain't nuthin' but The Thang, that's exactly what it is...so in the finest traditions of sharing way too much personal info on 'social media', I'd like to run through some of my shizzle that I'm trying to deal with outside of the stress and abuse and threats, etc, that has been hurled at me for over a decade, from long before I became even vaguely political, abuse hurled at me for genuinely trying to improve the society I live in...(fair enough-Ed)...of course I initially had no idea that improving needed to be done...(nor indeed just how much-Ed)...well quite, I thought I was just a parent trying to get something done about the abuses committed against a class of 7 year old children, a class my child was in...what vaguely sane person could have envisaged the nightmare to be unleashed just for trying to get 'Child Protection Authorities' to shreckin' well do what their title states...
Take from this what you will, but the following paragraphs are where I was the other day and I've chosen to post them basically as is because that was where I was and yet already seems so far away...
*I'm not sure what to say about what I'm about to say, it is unquestionably the most self-indulgent and saddening thing I've ever had to do, and if you are a regular availee of this 'ere blog you'll appreciate that that is saying something in itself...(well 1/2 a paragraph in and you've not actually said anything yet-Ed)...okay, but the point is I really don't know what to say other than I'll be leaving Mt Gambier thanks very much and quite frankly it can't happen soon enough...
On the way out I'd like to apologise for my failures and my weakness that after only 12 years of fighting quite literally tooth and nail to get some sort of appropriate action re the St Martins Lutheran School Child Abuse Cover-up, and that situation then slowly morphing into a general attempt to address the rank corruption and pro-paedophile attitudes of a raft of wholly corrupt elected and/or public officials, that after 12 years of that perpetual nightmare of corruption and unpleasantness and the massive trauma it has caused me and my family, and the massive toll it has taken on my health, mental and physical, that I would be so piss weak as to give up...but there it is...
I can only apologise to all of the children in this sad sick state and particularly in this place Mt Gambier, a city within a state all of which is clearly run by and for paedophiles, I apologise that I have failed, because that's exactly how I feel as an adult, that I am only capable of fighting this for 12 years before effectively giving up...because by leaving Mt Gambier I am effectively giving up...I can only apologise that I give up after 12 years of knowingly destroying my life to try and improve my community, fighting...(floundering-Ed)...indeed, floundering against a relentless wave of abuse and denigration and hatred from the people clearly running the show, a wave quite deliberately generated by those with a definable desire to cover-up paedophilia...
(Well that's a slight exaggeration to say '12 years' that you've been knowingly destroying your own life to try and resolve these issues, because for the first coupla' years this 'destroying' was being done to you and others by the Lutherans, SAPol (police), Rory McEwen, et al, so really it's only been a decade that you've knowingly chosen to continue to pursue these issues-Ed)...point taken Ed, it's only been a decade that I've knowingly destroyed my own life in pursuit of these issues...
And if you think those opening paragraphs were wholly sarcastic and cynically critical of all of us, that's because you're an astute person who is prepared to accept their own failures...and don't think I'm excusing myself of anything in slingin' abuse at others, I first place myself firmly at the centre of that failure because that is where I was first placed...and so some more rampant self-justification...
I chose none of this, this was chosen for me by those who should have but have not...this whole sordid seeping lurking evil that is the St Martins Cover-up is in it's entirety the creation of the Lutherans, the South Australian Parliament, the SA Police Force, former Premier Mike Rann and current one Jay Weatherill, former local Member Rory McEwen, Mt Gambier City Councillor (**name removed due to Intervention Order), etc, etc, with the complicit compliance of local media, particularly the local ABC...(yeah, but that pro-paedophile corruption in the ABC clearly starts at the top pushing down, regardless of just how individually corrupt and complicit certain local persons are...I mean, look at the emails from Sandra Winter-Dewhirst (2007) just a few posts back saying 'we've all got together and decided not to touch it'-Ed)...fair point...
I was a major contributor/volunteer at St Martins, and busted my back for them on many occasions picking up the heaviest, dirtiest end of the work because I was the big strong man there and that's what ya' do...(well it's what you do, don't know about anybody else-Ed)...no, fair enough, as far as I'm concerned to the beast goes the burden, but I still reckon that most men would consider it their place/right/obligation/whatevs to do the heavy lifting on such occasions, eg, volunteering to cut and truck Xmas trees (2001?), on that day I was clearly the biggest strongest person there so I naturally chose to be the person following behind throwing the fresh-cut trees up onto the flat-top truck...
For half a day I traipsed back and forth in that dusty wake, literally doing the work of 2 men, and that meant it was all done sooner because that left 3 free to organise the trees on the truck...and back to St Martins to re-load onto a semi-trailer, and off to Adelaide to be sold...just one of many, many days I spent trying to be part of that charming Christian community that is the Lutheran Church...(sarcasm just at the end there?-Ed)...nailed it, I did meet some nice people at St Martins, but the actual mainstream Lutherans themselves, wow, have you ever met a more delusionally self-satisfied, self-important sack of nutters...(well no I haven't...well except for Mt Gambier City Council of course-Ed)...of course...
I don't know quite how to describe what a nightmare being involved with the Lutherans has been from day one...a perpetual waking nightmare of bigotry, exclusion, vulnerability, vilification, denigration, abuse, blame, gossip, rumour, character assassination, isolation, and inappropriate sexual advances....(well I'd suggest that last sentence would be a good start-Ed)...ok, fair point, I'll calm down...but honestly, it was that bad, and things only got worse after the Glyn Dorling/St Martins Child Abuse Cover-up kicked-off in June 2002...*
And that's where I'd got to when I went out and someone politely suggested that I hold off a year until I know exactly what those whom I hold dear may do, and then maybe I could move just the once...a good point but hardly enough...but from that I reached into the dark and carefully drew forth the spark of excuse I'd been searching for...ever seen Hal's Moving Castle? amazing animation and an amusing metaphor for what I feel I have become, a mighty structure reduced to a sputtering ember...(I thought your 'metaphor' was a meteorite, ya' know, bits comin' off as you hurtle towards an inevitable demise, etc-Ed)...yeah, both metaphors work for me...
To my credit, I was still searching desperately for that spark, that excuse, and although unseen I knew it was there somewhere...and indeed, when lifted from the smothering gloom and into the air and light, that glimmer that I knew was there but couldn't see, billowed into life, and in that moment I remembered what love (for lack of a better word) can bring into your life, and why you should do it...I mean, if I can do it, anybody can...in numerous previous posts I have discussed some of my personal issues, eg, Self Esteem: The Issue I'd Love To Have...I have no problem owning the broken person I am that comes from being a 4 year old child whom grows up blaming themselves for their families disintegration...this is stuff I self-realised through in my early 20's, and in more recent times I've seen/read/heard plenty of stuff showing that this is not an uncommon reaction from young kids...
I don't need to share the range of traumas I endured as a young child because anyone whom has the vaguest idea about psychological motivations and the human condition, blah, blah, will see that pain in my relentless inability to dis-engage from the St Martins Lutheran School Child Abuse Cover-up and/or the horrendous state of affairs that exists in this state where authorities collude and conspire to cover-up such abuse...like so many whom have been through similar and far worse, my childhood carved into me that I am a bad person and that nothing I do will be right, etc, etc, and ultimately it has become my greatest strength...
Read the blog and call me a liar if I don't ruthlessly question my own beliefs and opinions, but then stand resolutely on the things I've witnessed as being truths...and stand at great personal cost...
Cue The Vain Arrogant ManBear StuffPig:...because there's no polite way to say exactly the way that sometimes I get waylaid by maidens and the ways that has gone horribly wrong for me in Mt Gambier...it is what it is, I've always got a tad more than my fair share of attention, and sometimes that's great and sometimes not quite so much...sometimes you're just fresh meat in the grinder...for random but actual example, if the first social function you attend at your child's new school and a half-drunk woman you've never met before steps up and starts drooling on ya' and pawin' at ya', and hence a room of angry glarey stares and you know right there and then that that's the end of that and you ain't never ever again gettin' invited not to nothing not nowhere not no time soon...(orrr, poor gorgeous diddums-Ed)...fair enough...
And this has happened to me enough times that I'll call it a pattern, eg, 'cos the woman whom so-and-so likes has instead looked at me and said "what the f*** is that, and can I please?"...(dude, rude and arrogant poetry, you're back, nice-Ed)...ta'...and truly some of my own arrogant behaviours/responses on such occasion have sealed my fate in that I've unknowingly trampled on other people's relationships and it has cost me...I ain't no saint but then again, who truly is?...to the other extreme, I've met some charming, beautiful, uplifting women in my life, and 'loved' them, but every time I've turned my back on them because I genuinely believed it was the right thing to do for them...***
And that's about it, with a coupla' partially completed paragraphs trimmed-off 'cos I can't recall where I was going with that stuff...so, a somewhat scattered piece, but still a semi-interesting window into the past as a study in what I've personally been through, particularly the bit where I was very much on the verge of leaving Mt Gambier...it's now approx 5 years later, and so 17+ years of the St Martins Lutheran School Child Abuse Cover-up, and 500 more posts...(and a Pro-Paedophile Political Retribution "bizarre trial" and subsequent rankly corrupt 'Conviction' re SA's Independent Commissioner Against Corruption-Ed)...indeed, all that, and I'm still very much isolated from the community that I've tried so hard to improve, still very much the Lone Loner Lonely Alone, but in so many ways so much more at peace with the pieces of that fractured existence...
Tomorrow: Lies, Lies, And More Damned Lies
(I wondered when we'd be getting back to Mt Gambier City Council-Ed)...well I was referring to politics in general, and more specifically the extraordinary Criminal Enterprise that is the Liberal/National Party, but sure, why not chuck in a fair chunk a' MGCC...
I'd also quickly like to thank those few who have stuck by me during these turbulent and tumultuous times...I ain't too proud to 1) accept help, or 2) acknowledge that support...
I am Nick Fletcher and this is my blog, and it's been a journey alright, and certainly seems set to continue in that manner, so onward we go, cheers and laters y'all...
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